Brainfuck

It’s my spring break right now. I should rejoice, but I honestly am a little sweaty under the collar, because I have a lot of stuff that I should have done by now, and haven’t even begun.

The truth is, I’ve been rather distracted by this book I’m reading, and am supposedly supposed to teach. It’s called “Fugitive Pieces” and it’s written by Anne Michaels. Reading this book over the last few days, I have savoured it. It’s exquisitely written, and the only way I could describe the experience of it is the dark coolness of a cotton sheet and the inability to get out of bed. I can’t “get out of bed” with this book at all, and it’s greatly impeding my need to plan a unit to teach and present to my MT’s on Monday. It’s so unfathomable on so many levels to me, and I have a feeling that it’s not just because of my own ineptitude– I think that it’s because the text will always have some unfathomability (ha, not a word I think) to it. I’d known this, but didn’t think I’d have to deal with the issue ever, because I’m more prone to being critically analytical of a text than just simply reading and enjoying the fuzzy journey.

So here I sit. In awe of the author and potentially speechless towards an inquiring student. Furthermore, how does one talk about the Holocaust to 16 year olds. Removed from the situation, it may be easy to think of an answer, but this…this is a reality, talking to kids that can be removed from emotions and feelings on paper in Social class…but English is another matter. It seems dramatic, but I’m afraid of the ignorance that might happen under my watch, and with that, I’m afraid of my own inability to combat that. This fascination (as a sidenote) I’ve had with racism for the last few years, is where that stems from. I never know what to say to someone who has racist opinions. The obsession got built from the desire to have an arsenal of the right things TO say, but I don’t think that has ever really happened.

I went to RP tonight, completely inspired with a new poem completely different from the Shit-O’s that have been coming out of my mouth all year so far…no luck of the draw though, unfortunately. That said, go check the poems, it’s up there, and dedicated firstly to a friend of mine, and secondly…the world. Just so’s you know.

Gad…I’d missed this drinking of wine until the wee hours. Next time I should save more for the occasion though.

feeling strangely good

I recently re-discovered a song on my iPod, and for some reason, whenever I listen to it, it hits me really solidly. This may sound foolish, but this song just totally hits me in all the right places right now, relevant or not. It’s something to do with the violin in the background perhaps.

Duct Tape- P.O.S.
[First Verse]
In fuzzy focus, he sees downtown
A blue pick-up that’s kinda rusted
Mystery formed a process of pain with faces dusted
Or a red cap to a crack vial in front of a crack pipe
He sees a cat on it’s last life
A Father, never mistaken for a dad
Never mistaken by a guy that never had
He sees Heaven’s fallen angel place a hand upon a mother
and wipe the tears away
Tell ‘em it will be alright (alright!)
So, sleep tight, cus sleep might
Be the perfect escape for a man who leaves you in the night
So, sleep soundly and sleep good
It’s the last words before he clips his wings for good
Arch-Angelic, My chemical hard apprenticeship
You can’t learn to be outspoke by another marksman’s shit.
That’s inherent
It’s build things or hop in the crosshairs.
Hard to kill an Angel, that’s apparent.

[Chorus]
Mama drinks pepsi, Papa drinks gin
Papa gets drunk and a relationship begins
Papa, lady, Liquor form a love that won’t break
Mama caught them cheating, it was too much to take
Baby had an angel, baby had a dad
Baby had nothing but a reason to be mad
But Baby’s got a Mama and a roll of duct tape
and that’s something, They got a love that won’t break

[Second Verse]
Bringing it right back to the wrong fucking side of a man
Bringing it right back to a psalm and a backhand
A sad man, got up, waited by a trash can
What is he? Five or six years old?
There is no angel no more
Just a Devil with a jones that he can’t stand.
A level pass high, passed by, he can’t land.
Last chance, Last chance, last possible second to advance.
But you left him in the distance, nothing but resistance
Nothing but pissed pants and anger
How can you explain that you’re dead when you’re a stranger.
You talk to it, you dodge bullets, thank god you’re swift
They cough up blood and choke on it
You’re not needed, you’re not welcome back here in Minneapolis
You’re not worth shit, you’re not worth shit, You’re not worth shit
Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it the fuck up
Alright

[Chorus]
Mama drinks pepsi, Papa drinks gin
Papa gets drunk and a relationship begins
Papa, lady, Liquor form a love that won’t break
Mama caught them cheating, it was too much to take
Baby had an angel, Baby had a dad
Baby had nothing but a reason to be mad
But Baby’s got a Mama and a roll of duct tape
And that’s something, they got a love that won’t break

Drinks Pepsi, Drinks Gin
Gets Drunk, Begins
Papa, Lady, liquor form a love that won’t break
It’s too much to take (to take)
Had an Angel, had a Dad
Baby had nothing but a reason to be mad
and a roll of duct tape
and that’s something
They got a love that won’t break (won’t break)

Mama drinks pepsi, Papa drinks gin
Papa gets drunk and a relationship begins
Papa, lady, Liquor form a love that won’t break
Mama caught them cheating, it was too much to take
Baby had an angel, baby had a mom who could take the pain for him
Duct Tape, Duct Tape, Duct Tape, Duct Tape
Tape It, Tape it up, Tape it up, Tape it up, Duct Tape

Have I mentioned recently that I love my job? I fucking love my job. It’s hard as hell, but thinking about it, and how much I enjoy it gives me the willies. Interestingly….at the beginning of my practicum, I thought I liked teaching Art better, but now…I’m incredibly torn. That’s a good thing.

“Don’t worry, they won’t try and brainwash you…”

So….how’s it going? It’s been a while, I know…I’m sorry. There there.  Somehow, school has been keeping me insanely busy, and then, the things that I think of to while away the time in betwixt school and sleep, are all consuming diversions.[1]

A couple of things….

School is amazingly fun. The practicum destination is a great place for me to have ended up and I’ve been feeling very comfortable and very confident under the guidance of my mentor teachers and the students…the students are very refreshing and very eager to learn, which is something that I’m still dumbstruck by…Some of the things I have started to teach, and will be teaching, are the old staples, Romeo and Juliet, the Tempest, Antigone (Sophocles). A few interesting diversions from these are “Death of a King’s Horseman” and a novel “Fugitive Pieces”. So, it has been taking a lot of my time to do the planning for these as well, because some of them (most noteably DOKHM) are incredibly detailed. And teachers…they have to be “know-it-alls” right, so that is fun…  And, even more shocking I imagine to some, is that I’m doing this and so far, I’ve not done anything incredibly inept.

I’ve been realizing lately that the people I hang around have unconsciously been twisted in my head as a confidence-undermining force. I used to feel incredibly inept in my knowlege, because I was either being talked over, or was not understanding the subjects of conversation, but recently, especially after my course, where I took home the second highest mark in the class, I’ve realized that I was only feeling the idiot because no one asks me about what I know outside the context of school. Interesting. And, I suppose, unlike some of my friends, I’m not great at volunteering my knowlege either. It’s not anything to hold a grudge against, because it’s something that I effectively conjured up for myself, but it is an interesting revelation that the things I know are not really relevant to very many people outside of a learning environment. That’s the only place I feel comfortable talking about what I know, and even then, I suprise myself, because I’m still thinking, “wow…for some reason, I still didn’t think I knew what I was doing.” Stupid stupid stuff…lol.

In other news, I’m turning into a fat-ass, and it’s really bothering me for a few reasons. Firstly, this is the worst shape I’ve ever been in. Secondly, I know exactly what I need to be doing to get out of the land of fat-assery (cardio–lots of it), but I’m concerned about being consistent as well as the dreaded “convenience” factor. I have not a lot of time at my disposal currently, but it’s killing me (like that? That’s a pun) to think that I have to “wait” until I’m done my practicum to actually focus on this issue of my personal health. Lastly, and most damning, is that ideally, I would like a membership at a gym even though I abhor the idea of doing exercise in front of other people, but I cannot afford that. However, this is not all just aimless shiftless whining either, because I thought of a plan last week, and just got sidetracked. I figure that if I climb the stairs at least once a day to my place (on the way home from school) that this is a good start. The only hitch there is that I’d be climbing the stairs in my school clothes. However, maybe, I can go upstairs first, change, walk downstairs as a warmup and then….kill myself by the sixteenth floor. But. I have to do something. I have no intention of staying a lard-ass.

Contingent to this annoying state, is that I’m pretty ready to quit smoking. I’ve been doing a lot of reading up on it as well, so I know exactly what I’m in for. This is still problematic however, because I can’t afford ten days (it is ten days, give or take one or two) of complete discombobulation right now (brain getting used to no nicotine). That all said too, it’s so trite for me to say, because it is common knowlege that there is no “convenient” time to quit smoking…you just have to do it. But, from past experience….those ten days kill me, I’m pretty much disfunctional, completely. I am thinking however, that spring break at the end of March might be a good time because it would give me that interval to be an idiot. Also, the last week of April and beyond is an obvious place to quit as well.

Otherwise….my personal life…is personal strife as always. But whatever. Men suck. And so do their controlling exes.

Tasks this week consist of the following: Run myself stupid on the stairs everyday. Plan my units. Teach. Starve. Write a poem for wednesday (ha, no fucking pressure…someone said that they will chop off my pinky finger if I don’t), and then…rinse, repeat. Start examining my resume. I have to start applying for jobs soon. Nunavut. Woo.
In conclusion, I should add that I am also working again, once a week back at the deli…stop by for a visit sometime. That’s seven hours of downtime, right there, lol. I realized that I was getting much too broke to not have at least something else coming in. It’s been really financially tight lately. Actually, that’s been interesting, because while I’m sort of into the idea of actually going without as much as possible, because I’ve done it before and it’s not that bad, it just never seems to happen. This sounds strange and stupid probably, but it’s been financially tight yes, but not really that bad. I’ve been in worse situations, surprisingly, so what is uncomfortable for one party isn’t necessarily that appalling to me, because I’ve been in situations where the escape from it wasn’t easily solved. Part of me sort of wants to return to that, where more ingenuity was required to get by. Plus, the idea of not having so much fucking food in the house is sort of nice… I’d like to have just the bare healthy minimals, with little option, which in light of our society, probably seems pretty stupid, I know.
[1] Everyone, by now, has heard this from me. I really am sorry. I’m even sorrier that I’ve been saying the same thing, word for word pretty much, to everyone. If I emerge from this shit with friends still, I’ll be shocked. And thankful.