ah[}*{]ha

I’ve been …I think I’m addicted to Stumble! And yes, I still don’t have a job…

rip lightly through the mud infested trenches

Well, I’m back in the city for real this time. I think I’m going to drive back to the Pool on Thursday or Friday to stay for a couple of days because I just want to drive somewhere though. Anywhere. Yesterday and today have been turbulent days, and it appears I have quite a bit of unanticipated leisure to look forward to.

Nope. No job. Didn’t get it. I wasn’t “the direction” preferred.

The Great Wailing Bengal is gone. I took him back to his original owners today, and became the straw that broke the camel’s back in terms of my aunt having a nervous breakdown. And yet, as bad as it felt, I do acknowlege that it had to be done, because keeping him was a greater mistake. She also agreed that “if he doesn’t pee on anything before you get a new place, we’ll keep him until you’re ready.”  Personally, I’m not sure it’s feasible to expect that of him, because they don’t change the litter box often enough, but it’s the thought that counts. Besides, the Humane Society “barn cat” program for “the problem pee pee kitty” doesn’t sound that bad. I wish it was a terrible joke because it sounds like something you’d say to lie to a six year old about euthanasia, but I’m completely serious. Or really naive. If someone knows, could they please tell me?  Anyways that ship has flown, and I learn another lesson. Hanners was a little upset at first, when she figured out that I’d come home alone, but I’m sure she’ll be happy to have undivided attention again and no one biting her butt all the time. In the long run, friends are always more important than cats. The universe seems to be fisting rough lately, but I’m hoping I did something right.

On the bright side, I committed a funny mistake that proved to be quite productive. The toilet was horribly clogged, and in my 15 minute attempt at plunging the shit out of it (ha HA!) I must have bumped the water off in the toilet. Hence, I may have dislodged the clog, but that’s about all that was going to happen. No bowl filling, sighing, and flushing, just dislodged pureed turds.  Naturally, I flipped out because I need flushing amenities right now– I’ve been using so many outhouses or other awkward bathroom places! I phoned the maintenance emergency batphone and left three messages with varying levels of panic rising in my voice. It turns out that the Poet was on maintenance that night, and I knew this also. This was also before Joshua went home. Risky. I put everything Cat in my room, swept and lightly vacuumed, and finished by playing Cat Power (a total coincidence) in my room to drown out feline sounds.

“Oh, your water’s turned off, that’s why it’s not flushing. But what the hell is going on with your bathtub?! I should really fix that too before I go.”

Fuck yeah! Fix the faucet  that I’ve made five complaints about! Better yet, take five minutes of your precious time, three tools, and the brand new part to do it too.

No cats were detected. No bribes were necessary. It was a fantastic stroke of luck, and while injurious to my pride, I am happy with the results.

Otherwise, all my plan b (ie- plan “crap”) stuff is going to have to go into play tomorrow. Get on the sub-list of here, get a job at my favorite coffee place, and hope for the best. I must to win somehow. Ne-har, ne-har, ne-har….

human behavior

So much has gone down, I don’t even know where to start. Luckily, it hasn’t been that drama filled (unlucky for you?).

Going to my brothers a few weeks ago was, as predicted, almost enough to make my head fall off, because it was just that bizarre for the whole four days that I was there, but I have since gotten over that with the help of some strenuous counselling via the friend units.  On a related note though, I really realized that there’s no way in hell (in HELL) that I would want to be a single parent. That man is totally going down with me, whoever he is, because babies are a lot of work. Even if they walk and could (technically, but not advised) feed themselves, as well as garble out some sort of communicative form, they are still a lot of work. I also realized that motherhood is a slippery slope into OCD if you let it. I have this thing about my hands being sticky, or my feet being sticky…after about two days of walking on mashed nutri-grain bars, I cleaned it, and in cleaning realized that “ahh…I understand all the anal features of motherhood now.” Now that it’s clicked, I’m going to have to figure out how to not wash my hands to the bones when I have dirty gross adorable kids.

As for my niece, she’s doing awesomely. She screams and giggles a lot, and also has a pet sheep now, named Suki, who I also took care of while I was there. Suki + baby =  a handful, 24/7.  The sheep was the brainchild of my brother whom I have officially surmised entirely lacks foresight.

“What do you mean you bought a lamb?”

“The baby likes it. It’s SO cute.”

Baby anythings are cute, come on…. And he was not the one who watched the giggling one year old stick the goat poo in her mouth a little too late. The baby also likes dog food, goldfish that have sat on the floor for days (the floor is akin to a food cache for her), funny fuzzy white things, mashed nutri-grain bars (re: food cache a la hardwood), and cheese. Goes nuts for cheese, big time.

Before I left, there was a story that occurred that I’ve already told countless times. Guaranteed hilarity, and unrelated to babies- just ask me if you want to know. It is called the “I ain’t the criminal here sir” story.

As for being out here at the Crane, it has been pretty enjoyable so far. I have news that the covered wagon will be escorting me back to Deadmonton on August the 7th though, which is not close enough, and yet not far enough away. I do like it here a lot, as much as I might bitch and complain about it. My mom keeps me pretty insanely busy with random chores and menial labour or “errands”, but even those I’ve quit fighting and have been finding a lot of meditative qualities to them. Although, she certainly doesn’t seem capable of doing the same as I’m more like my dad in this regard. 

I’d love to say that I’ve been filling all my days entirely with things that I love to do, like writing, or art, or reading, but I haven’t really. I mean, I have been doing all of those things to various degrees, but a lot of time is spent in the sun, in the water, in the boat, visiting folks, visiting with the cats, walking the cats, smoking, drinking and general tomfoolery. A couple of old friends are out here at the moment, and thus, drinking and smoking has increased. Funnily enough, it hasn’t been stupid drinking, just drinking and visiting. I haven’t gotten drunk since I got here, but I’ve been drinking all day just the same. It’s the space between drinks I imagine, and the activities. Or the lack thereof, maybe.

See also, how to make Beergaritas, which are just as redneck as they sound, as they will kick your ass at one o’clock and give you a slight hangover by 6 pm:

1 mickey of tequila, one can of lime-aid (blend), with lots of ice (blenderful). Add three Coronas into a pitcher and gently stir in. Fill cups half way with other three Coronas left over, and top up with tequila/lime-aid/Corona mixture. 

I’ve also been doing other things like fiddling with my camera a lot. Lightening has been a guaranteed for a lot of nights out here, so I’ve been working on perfecting timed exposures and other techniques and getting lots of pictures of the general wilderness and fun.

Sewing coveralls has grown tolerable also, and my mother and I have worked out a system more beneficial to us both: I play iPod super loud, and she doesn’t talk to me while using an industrial machine, while assuming I can hear her at all, and then getting mad when I don’t reply. It sounds like a helicopter blade rattling a window pane at close range.

In other exciting news, my dad also taught me how to drive the boat, and pull skiiers, wakeboarders, tubers and the lot. He was really impressed at how quickly and well I picked it up, and now prefers my pulls to my mom’s.

“No whiplash! Excellent!”

In areas of the opposite sex, I can’t say that things have been going as swimmingly. They’ve actually been really bizarre. The fire fighter, while a nice and interesting boy had some not-so-great ideas on what we should be together: that is, I’m not good enough to date possibly, but good enough to have a casual S-E-C-K-S relationship with. [1] Actually, it’s interesting because the odds of me getting laid were good in the city, but have doubled since I came home. There’s this really convenient line that’s been used on me twice now in the last week and a half [2], and I say “convenient line” when I really mean, line of convenience, because, wouldn’t it be oh so convenient if I was to say, “OMG, like, me too! Lets go to your house so we can have s-e-c-k-s, because I’ve always dreamt about it!”  

On an unrelated tangent, you’ll notice that I’m making fun of the speech patterns of the people I live around that are my age. If you are watching TV with them, and they here people on TV talking like that, chances are they will snort and say, “pbbbt, that’s city-talk.” No my friend….it’s YOU. And me, I won’t like, lie.

Right. So, I won’t disclose the rest of my fun fun time in man-land here, but it’s been all right. Ultimately, I emerge on top of the situation and react accordingly, albeit with the fire man I was genuinely pissed for a good half a day. I mean, there are plenty of skanky girls in this town already to service his man-member.

As for other men…I have been using (reluctantly and still with much failure) a certain notorious dating site for shits and giggles, but really, nothing has come of it so far. Being in the country certainly helps to dissuade the men that are just huge dinkfaces though, which is nice. This said, I’m still just not feeling the man thing at all right now.

Screw you…man.  See y’all in a bit.

[1]*COUGH* Sohecouldlosehisvirginity *COUGH*   

[2] “I, like, had the hugest crush on you in highschool, you know?”