Teh library owns me

I haven’t posted since August 28th, and have probably been thinking of things worthy of posting since then.

Blogging hasn’t held any sort of allure to me lately, up until today. I think I just needed a break and a chance to be off the map. It’s interesting too, because in the absence, I sort of realized that it’s nicer to have privacy perhaps. However, this calls for my annual re-alignment of blogging direction. I at least won’t switch to a different place this time. But more observations on the world perhaps should occur, and less reflections upon myself will appear.

This said, I’ve realized that I’ve missed my self reflections considerably, because I don’t learn “real good” without them.

In world news: Facebook is so goddamn annoying, coupled with the financial shlock that is the rest of my life. I get invited to a lot of stuff. I feel bad if don’t go– I end up going, and spend money I don’t have, and live on peanuts for the rest of the week. I owe people money. My legs are going to be broken any day now.

The reprieve is that I just recently found out I am owed a large large coverall paycheck still. This kills me, because I couldn’t possibly just be “in the money” on a regular basis. Noo…it has to be a surprising and “lucky” windfall or spontaneous event that does (or does not) occur. In this case…for the first time while earning money through one of my mother’s crazy schemes, I actually don’t get the shaft.

In other areas – I went to the highly pretentious art gallery collage-o-thon on Friday night. I bring this up because I went by myself, sat down, and collaged my brains out. And I had a fucking awesome time doing it too. I didn’t talk to anyone, mill, drink, or be a retard draped in all their material assets, and left as quietly as I came. It was actually a lot of fun. They gave us free cheetohs, and all the magazines you could imagine to cut up. The music, for the most part, was also great.

Today was the last day of sailing for Godzeira and I. We had about 5 minutes of actual wind, and spent most of the blazing hot day drifting, feebly tacking, and talking or reading. And, I hate to say it, because I love to sail, but to actually be able to just sit and relax and enjoy the actual boat for what it is for a moment, rather than what it can do, for the sake of memory, was really pleasant. I love still autumn days in an Indian summer and today was definitely one of them. White sails, hot sun, blue sky, and gold in the trees.

In other things… I don’t know. I’m celebrating being solitary I think. I’m not doing so well with writing at all, other than venues I won’t mention, and have swung in the direction of visual arts again. This is tough, because I love it, but don’t have quite the creative maneuverability with it as I do with my writing (i.e. I rock the writing, and performance stuff, and have completely dropped the ball–and my artistic endeavors are always sketchy at best). I’ve been thinking that I’d like to try and show an equal level of committment to both, but as far as art goes– I’ve never showed good levels of committment, and I’d like to try and change that.

Lately, as I walk and eat and breathe, I’ve been looking at everything around me, and thinking about it in a different light (how could I draw that in a comic format?) and thinking heavily about graphic novels. It sounds corny, but I went to the library to get about 9 of them, to just check it out, and it’s grabbed onto me like an infectious disease. Mind you, I’d like to go beyond all the emo crap that I’ve been reading, and actually do something that is noticeably different–so far, this strikes me as a challenge, but not in how you might originally think.

I’ve been writing a short story for a while that I’ve grown rather attached to. However, I had a complete epiphany today, and yes…here I go. I’ve had smaller less complicated ideas re: cartooning, but they weren’t anything near what a graphic novel is all about. And one day, I’ll do them, but …I’ve got a plan. And if anything, it’s just going to be kick-ass fun to do. Plus, I’m still a bum– I totally have time for these things.

Lastly…I feel like I’ve been a social fuck-up lately. It’s kind of bothersome. I can’t just make plans and not have something complicated happen. I’m no longer apparently capable of not being retarded when I drink, so I have to stop that. I also can’t really afford it. I also don’t like going to bars. Still. I hate that now when I go to a bar, I run into people I know other than my friends—who aren’t my friends– that I have to make small talk with, or some other social dance. It bothers me deeply. I am tired of being acquiescing nice  pushover “tell me all your woes” girl, I guess. However, I think primarily the reason that this is bugging me lately is because I don’t like telling people “how I’ve been.” Because, I’m fine with it because I know I’ll be fine (yes, because I’m awesome), but it probably sounds pretty shitty and awful to the second party– and sympathy only makes me want to hurt people.

On the bright side of all this– I told some guy off at the bar a  week ago, and was actually not a bitch really, but just assertive for once. And as much as it might have sounded like I was being a bitch– I was pretty damn proud of myself for sticking up for myself. Yes I was drunk. Yes I should endeavor to do this while not drunk.