><)))’+

><)))’+

Finding Peace

Self restraint wrestling
With eye-opening intangibles
You—here in my bed,
And me,

Caring so much
Too much, really
That I won’t touch you.

That’s what this is,
Being afraid to touch you,
Because I know
You’d just as soon
As roll out of this,
This bed,

Into your shoes and walk
Maybe run
Out the door
At the slightest provocation.

For my whole life,
I have been the flighty one.
I leave, at the drop of a hat,
I hurt, without knowing it
And leave mangled carapaces in my wake.

But maybe it’s time for my
Karmic returns—
Your skill for unbidden flight
Far surpasses mine—
As do the reasons, I know,
And don’t know (and that’s ok).

I know much more clearly
Than you think I do.

It is real yet,
Funnily, ironically enough,
That I genuinely care for you.

Sometimes I wish it wasn’t,
Because caring shouldn’t hurt.

But it is stupidly real,
That I’ll take these hits from you,
Because I care
And I know this is how it has to be—
Free of constraint,
Free of obligation,
Free, but still able to return
On your own terms.

(I used to be exactly like that.)

We watched ‘Sid and Nancy’
“That’s not love,” I said.

And I don’t know
If you know that.

That isn’t what love is.

I may not know what it is,
May not ever know,
But I know what it isn’t.

And this—you, I, cheesy movies,
Heartfelt talks and the cat—

I don’t know
What this is either—

But I’m in it,
One day you will realize that.

(I wish I could convince you that you’re actually much greater a soul than you think you are. I wish I could erase past hurts, past mind games, and convince you that I’m not one of the ones that fuck men like you up anymore. I also wish for world peace, and that there is no such thing as El Chupacabra, past the band, but that’s just me.)

I will be here for you,
For when you want me to be,
For as long as you want me to be.
I don’t feel I have to be,
I don’t feel obligated,
I know I deserve better
Thus perhaps it is stupid to do this,
But,
I’m here.